so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
