Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
