I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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