Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
