Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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