I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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