I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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