nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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