I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
