Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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