By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
