Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
