And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
