My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's shark week go big or go home
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
