My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
