Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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