triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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