I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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