The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
