Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize