apparently the secret to your success is patron
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
