You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
