They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
