3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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