He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
