Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
