So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Houston, we have a squirter
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
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