Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
