I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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