There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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