Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
