Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
