my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
