I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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