How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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