Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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