At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
