she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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