I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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