I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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