Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
