Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
