Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
