I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
