can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
