Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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