And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
