she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
