i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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