from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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