Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
