you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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