i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
