Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
