So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
