p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
