this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
