i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
