Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Also, beer. Big fan.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize