So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
