whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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