I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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