I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
