Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
